Panty Passions
by ako Kanmu
Summary: DG - Draco is crazy, he dumps bottles from buildings and watches them break in glee. Theres only one thing that can cure his crazyness. Ginny's Underwear
1. Chapter One

**Panty Passion – A DUET FANFIC  
by Ako_Kanmu and Rowiez **

**Summary:**

**ROWIEZ NOTES: yeah this chapter is mostly just full of nonsense and how Draco is crazyyyyyyy and yep ^-^   
  
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**AKO NOTES: Uh.. Sorry if this offends people. But IT'S TOTALLY BASED ON OUR RETARDNESS.. Rowiez basically wrote it out and I… added stuff… mostly the things that are most stupid.. AKA…stickmen? O_o**

**ENJOY**

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 "Okay, spread your legs and take off those pants" The gynecologist told Draco while thrusting some gloves onto his hands.

'Boy, is this one a hottie. He's going to make one good lay,' he thought.

"WHAT!?!?" Draco stood up and smacked the gynecologist across the face, "HOW DOES TELLING MY PROBLEMS TO A PSYCHIATRIST SUDDENLY TURN INTO A STRIP TEASE?!?!"

"Err… I was testing how angry you are," the gynecologist said quickly.

"Oh," Draco said and sat back down. He began to tell the doctor his story.

"I _used_ to be normal ---" Draco Malfoy said as he moved his butt around his chair, as if he was trying to hump it.

"Used to? Draco Malfoy..." the doctor licked his lips as his eyes wandered down to Draco's crotch. 

"--- but only until the incident...I had never enjoyed dropping glass bottles twenty-five stories, and watching it break into a thousand little pieces." Draco started to laugh wickedly at the thought, "Hah! Isn't that quite funny? A bottle breaking! Bloody hell I'm funny! Imagine that bottle being Harry Bloody Potter ---" 

"Uh... please explain more about this '_incident_' you were referring to." The doctor began to draw little stickmen without clothes on with crayons.

"DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING DAMMIT!" The sudden yelling caused the gynecologist to drop his crayons on to the floor. 

"Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Malfoy." He coughed and picked up his crayons and began sketching again.

"Well," Draco cleared his throat, "_It all began on a beautiful Saturday morning..._" 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

"Draco Malfoy, also known as Hogwarts' sex god, was the hottest guy in school. Every girl in the wizardry world would have died to meet him, or would have fainted in his presence. He was quite a charmer!" Draco exaggerated. 

The gynecologist sat with a puzzled expression on his face, 'Hmm… His mother was right..._he is_ crazy....and… crazily sexy' 

"Well anyway, he had many girlfriends in his years in Hogwarts. Lots of them were beautiful girls that every guy goggled over. They had the looks, the body, and ...well... not quite the personality, but their good shag sure made up for it! Well, he thought he could have any girl he wanted --- but _he was wrong_. There was a girl...well I wouldn't say she had the package but Draco Malfoy actually liked her for _other reasons_ than determination of getting into her pants before you could say _Wingardium Leviosa._" 

"Hmm, interesting..." 

"You see, whenever she smiled it lit up the whole room! Her beautiful juicy lips accented her face. Oh - and don't forget about her braces... Every time I saw her eat, I wanted to lick every inch of food out of her braces… boy, was she hot." Draco felt drool dripped out his open mouth while he sat there, beginning to get a bit big down there.

The doctor, curious of what girl made Draco so horny; asked him, "Mr. Malfoy, what was this girl's name?" 

Draco stopped drooling for a second to answer, "Gee, she went by the name of Melinda Flint." 

Dr. Flamand's eyes widened,_ 'F..F...Flint?!'_

"There was a huge problem though.....Melinda hated Draco Malfoy - CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! - and well... she had a boyfriend." Draco frowned in disbelief.

"You're kidding me!" said Dr. Flamand as he started to stroke Draco's leg. 

Draco cocked his eyebrow at the doctor's sudden movement and stood up, "No, I'm not kidding... but I sure wish I were. You know that bloke Longbottom? --- What was it...Ned? Nathan? Nimsy? Oh… yeah Neville --- well he was going out with MY woman!" Draco hit his fist on Dr. Flamand's table, causing it to dent.

Draco began circling the Doctor's office and stared at his pictures. He turned so that his back faced, to get a better view of the pictures, giving Dr. Flamand a nice view of his buttocks, "Why are there so many pictures of men?" 

"Oh, um just personal...uh reasons you know. But please go on with your story." Dr. Flamand covered his crotch with his clipboard to prevent Draco from seeing.

"Well the two were going out for most of the year, I EVEN FOUND THEM SHAGGING IN A DAMN BROOM CLOSET! Hmm… Melinda is quite a moaner, you know I heard those kind of woman are ---" 

"Oh, don't get out of topic now Draco," Dr. Flamand interrupted while trying to hide a pile of 'Play Men' magazines. 

"Well I was quite angry and wanted Melinda! I did everything I can do... Tried seducing her - and no that didn't work -" Draco was interrupted.

"S-s-seducing?" Dr. Flamand loosened his tie a bit. He felt himself get very hot all of a sudden.

"Yep, covered myself in whip cream and ONLY whipped cream, and asked her if she wanted a little treat," Draco said casually as he sat down again. 

Dr. Flamand nervously started to lick his lips, "u-u-uh...." 

"Blackmailed her, well...EVERYTHING... she still didn't leave Longbottom for me! So I remembered what my father told me when I was little, _'Malfoys resort to drastic measures when wanting something,'_ and that's exactly what I did! I attempted to make a love potion! First I ---" 

"And did that work?" Dr. Flamand wanted to know how exactly to make a love potion so he can try it on the young man in front of him.

"What did I say about interrupting me?" Draco retorted, "oh, and did you know that your chair is quite uncomfortable?" 

"Yeah, I know but ---" 

"Well anyway, I went up to Snape's potion room rounding up the items for the love potion: Fluxweed, Horn of Bicorn, Knoxgrass, Lacewing Flies, Leeches, Skin of Boomslang, and Cat Claws. It was quite scary how Mrs. Norris kept on following me around, but I wasn't scared...if you were wondering...--- oh write that down! _'Draco Malfoy not scared of cats!'_ " 

Dr. Flamand rolled his eyes as he began to write DRACO MALFOY IS NOT SCARED OF CATS on his clipboard with a bright red crayon. 

"I obtained most of the ingredients easily except for the bloody cat claws! So there I was searching around Snape's room when I find two old containers. They seemed quite ancient so the labels were worn out. One old jar was labeled 'cat aws' and the other was an orange box called 'Koh's Original Kitty.' I decided to take the box since there seemed to be a picture of a cat on it." 

"That was quite stupid," said a man as he entered the room, holding a sketch of a house. He seemed to be in his early forties and wore a tight purple shirt that showed off his chest. From head-to-toe, he wore a designer outfit. He even had a fluffy pink scarf to match his shiny shoes. "Hi, I'm Mr. Norbert. You could call me, well, Mr. Flamand's partner in crime," Mr. Norbert winked. 

A shade of pink appeared to overwhelmed Dr. Flamand's face. "Um y-yeah," Dr. Flamand stuttered, "I'm happy you could join me and Draco Malfoy." 

"I'm glad to. Please go on with your story." Mr. Norbert smiled flirtatiously at Dr. Flamand. 

'Am I missing something?' thought Draco, "Well umm... where was I? Oh yeah well I added all of the ingredients to the potion and I was finished! The only next step was for me to slip it into her pumpkin juice at dinner. But... that's where the story twists a bit. Well there I was cleaning up in the Potion room when suddenly Mrs. Norris hops onto the table and jumps into my bloody cauldron! I couldn't do anything since I didn't want to touch that filthy cat! Bloody cat thinks I can save its ass! Who does she think I am? Bloody Harry Potter?!?! Why I can --" 

Dr. Flamand started to clear his throat loudly. 

"Well I found this broom on the floor so I started whacking it, waiting for the cat to grab on so I could pull it out before it ruined my potion." 

"Did it ever occur to you that the cat jumped in because you added CATNIP and not cat claws?" Mr. Norbert laughed, or more like - _giggled_. 

Draco felt himself shudder after hearing him giggle.

"Ugh no don't be stupid," Draco snorted, "Anyways, soon the cat stopped moving and just floated there." 

The '_couple_' broke out in laughter, laughing so hard they had to hold onto their sides. "AHA YOU AHHAAH KILLED THE CAT?!?! AHHAHAHAHA!" 

"WHAT?! It's not funny!" Draco started jumping up and down, causing the building to shake.

"Yes it is!" the two crazy men laughed while holding each other and trying to stop the laughs.

After the two stopped giggling, Draco continued his story. "Soon Snape came in... followed by Filch and then everything turned hectic. They thought I killed the cat! ---" 

_"But you did."_ The two men began to fight which stick man that Dr. Flamand drew looked most realistic.

Draco glared at them, making them stop.

"---Filch was SO angry that he quit! That damn bloke quit! Can you believe it? So to learn my lesson, Dumbledore decided I would take his spot until they find a replacement. Draco Malfoy, as a school custodian? _Who would think we'd see the day_." 

"Sad...very sad," said Mr. Norbert, trying to hide his laughter. 

"So I never really got the chance to give the potion to my dear Melinda, and to make matters worst - on the last day of school Longbottom proposed to her!" 

"He didn't!" They both tried to act astonished but failed.

"Oh yes he did!" Draco exclaimed, "Now I'm left with nothing...and having to stay back in Hogwarts for probably another year." 

"That is really sad!" They accidentally dropped the sketch of their houses on the floor. 

"Exactly! And from that moment... I started to do 'odd' things. No, I'm not mad... just - you know!" Draco huffed and put his hands on his hips.

"Gay?" They started to laugh again...laughed more...and more... until they were rolling on the floor not able to control their laughter. 

"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" Draco growled and stood up. He then grabbed the chair he was sitting in and threw it out the window. He left with the last word, _"Did I not tell you that this chair was uncomfortable?"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

**ROWIEZ A/N:** hehe I hope you liked that first chapter! Just shows how uh weird Draco is o.O yep! Please be kind **R/R!** XD

**AKO A/N:** I think I liked this chapter better before I edited it and made it all… screwed up.

**ROWIEZ A/N:** NO YOU DIDNT :o ako made it better =)

**AKO A/N**: eww… o_o no…


	2. Chapter Two

**_shocked    2003-11-19  1  Anonymous _**

**this is soo wierd i am so lost you jump around soo much im wandering if you are crazy certainly horny and im considering gay**

**WIERDO!**

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**Ako Kanmu says_: To our dearest first flamer: __Thank you for being our first flamer. Oh we expected many more flames and your flame did not sting my heart a bit… Its actually quite funny, reading a flame over and over and over… no we are not gay, maybe horny, and yes we are quite a bit insane…_**

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**_To the Reviewers: Hahah.. nice reviews… keep em coming.._**

**__**

**_Panty Passions by Ako Kanmu and Rowiez_**

Ginny could not believe it. The self absorbed, ugly, menacing ferret who had once teased her every single day of her life, was a custodian.

Sure, at first, she laughed her ass off when she heard about. She, of course, thought it was a joke. How could one of the richest men in the wizardry world be a custodian?

When she saw the looks on her house mates faces, she realized that they were serious. 

She didn't think it would be so bad for that cocky ferret to be their custodian until she realized one major detail.

Custodians went into the head girl and boy's rooms and cleaned up for them.

Ginny was the head girl this year. 

Draco, being the custodian, had access to her room. He could sneak into her diary and read it. He could put mice in her bed and fart on her pillow.

Ginny grimaced at the thought. 

'Damn, why did Hermione have to have dragged all the house elves away?' thought Ginny whom, at the moment, was not very happy at her future sister-in-law.

The year prior to this, Hermione had convinced the house elves to go on strike if they didn't get paid.

Dumbledore after he realized that he didn't have enough money to pay all the house elves, picked out a few dozen house elves to cook for the students. Only cook.

That means that there was no one to clean for the students, no one to wash the bed sheets after nights of shagging, and no one to clean Ginny's future room.

The average students, who were not prefects or head boy or girl, had to clean their own room, while the custodian cleaned the higher ranked students' rooms.

Last year, when Filch cleaned her prefect room, Ginny found large hairballs underneath her bed, obviously from Mrs. Norris. Ginny had groaned in disgust and had invited un-shagged boys into her room to clean up the mess. 

One of the boys was Neville.

**_  _flashback_ _**

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**_Ginny walked in the Great Hall and closely looked across the crowd of people to see who was un-shagged. Seeing Neville, she quickly walked towards him and sat in the seat next to him._**

**_"Hey Neville!" Ginny sat very close to Neville._**

**_"H-H-H-Hi, Ginny," Neville felt so nervous because there was never any girl that would sit this close to him._**

**_"Want to come into my room," she whispered into his ear, "I have a surprise for you."_**

**_'BWAHAHAH,' Ginny thought in her head, 'IS IT A SURPRISE!" _**

**_Neville, who was extremely red, nodded and followed Ginny out of the Great Hall._**

****

**_After going into her room, Ginny had lifted up her bed sheets and pointed underneath her bed at the hairballs. _**

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**_"I would like to get started but… there are these hairballs under my bed and," Ginny bit her lip, just for the effect, "And I don't feel comfortable with them being there."_**

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**_Feeling suddenly energized, he picked up the hairballs with his hand, and then sprinted out of the room to throw it out. When he came back to the room, Ginny was… GONE?_**

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**_Instead of the long night of shagging that Neville had expected, he was only to be rewarded with NOTHING._**

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**_Looking through a window, he saw that Ginny was outside. _**

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**_Dashing towards her, he literally started screaming at her, "HOW DARE YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF ME?!?!" Neville said, acting very out of character at the moment, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SHAG ME!"_**

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**_Ginny laughed out loud, "When did I ever say that I would shag you? I only said that there would be a surprise in my room and there was. Those hairballs were the surprise."_**

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**_Neville slapped her across the face, leaving a red mark on her._**

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**_"TRY THAT AGAIN AND I'll BEAT YOU UP!" Neville walked towards the school and was soon out of sight._**

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**_Ginny laughed in a deranged way and walked back to her room._**

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****

**_Neville found himself walking around the dungeons alone, something that non-slytherins usually did. _**

**_Neville was angry. No woman found him attractive at all. He kicked the walls, leaving a slight dent, only seen if you looked closely._**

**_He heard a crunching sound behind him. Turning around, he saw the young sister of Marcus Flint, Melinda Flint._**

****

**_She smiled flirtatiously at him as she walked him gracefully... in her own way._**

**_She flashed her smile at him, which for some reason calmed him down. _**

**_Feeling himself lured towards her, he found himself soon a few minutes later in her bed, engaging in a warm, lusty act of sex._**

****

**__ end flash back_ _**

After the month of May, the hairballs suddenly disappeared, as if Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat, had suddenly disappeared.

Along with Mrs. Norris, Filch also disappeared and as rumors say, Mrs. Norris and Filch eloped in the Muggle World. 

'I wonder how they will have children,' thought Ginny, 'Maybe Mrs. Norris will be the man… Filch is a squib after all. If he was born without magic, he might have been born without a penis… Filch might be the very first pregnant man with half kittens, half human babies. Why, he'll break world records!'

Ginny slapped herself at the thought. 

'I'm turning into Ron!' she shuddered and began dusting herself, as if she had suddenly become dirty.

"I'm still dirty! Why won't the dirt go away?!" Ginny found herself screaming loudly in the middle of the compartment. Her companions gave her crazy looks and she sneered at them.

After a moment of silence she suddenly started yelling, "CRAZY!?! I'm NOT crazy! STOP THINKING THAT!! STOP!!!!!" 

She soon found herself alone in her compartment.

"Finally alone," Ginny thought out loud. It was very uncomfortable to be having people you hate sitting in the same room with you.

Ginny had a habit of acting crazy to scare people off, just so they would go away. Usually it worked, but never did it work at the Burrow. Her family, living with her for all of her seventeen years, knew how she acted and didn't think it was very funny.

"They might send you off to St. Mungos!" Her mother had said to her one day. Ginny had laughed at her mother and told her that "Every thing will be fine."

She always had successfully annoyed the hell out of Ron, Harry, and Hermione. When alone in a room with them, she would always start trying to dust herself off, as if they made her dirty by being in the same room as her. 

Personally, Harry and Hermione really did think that Ginny was a bit on the insane side. Ginny knew this of course and ESPECIALLY acted crazy around them. There was never a moment where she wasn't crying her head off for being touched by one of them or attacking them when they sat on her "spot" in the burrow.  Her spot was one of the cushions on the brown sofa that she had painted blue to show that it was HER spot. Molly and Arthur had given her a "time out" for doing this but she, because of her innocent tears, managed to get herself out of. 

Ginny played insane, cruel jokes. 

**__ Flash back __**

**_One time, after getting horribly annoyed at Harry, she decided to go to Diagon Alley and buy some magazines. There she found a Play Men magazine, filled from the front to the back with pictures of barely clothed men. Placing it in Harry's luggage, she had let out a wolf like howl, scaring the household into thinking that a werewolf was near by. _**

****

**_The next day, Harry had opened his luggage bag and found the magazine. Not thinking it would be necessary to look inside it, (the front cover just said PLAY MEN in big letters) Harry thought it was Ron's magazine.  _**

****

**_Running over to Ron, he had said loudly, "Is this your magazine Ron? I found it in my luggage?"_**

****

**_Ginny had watched Ron's face turn into pure disgust after he had read the title of it._**

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**_"HARRY! I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE GAY!" Ron had shouted out as he moved away from Harry._**

**_The whole house had become silent except for the loud sniggers coming from Ginny._**

**_To this day, Ron still doesn't believe that Harry is straight, and he tends to stay at least five feet away from him._**

****

**__ END FLASH BACK _ _**

Ever since she was a child she had been like this.  She was and still was a crazy, insane girl with a queer, demented sense of humor. All of the guys thought she was very pretty. With the curves in just the right places, skinny but not too skinny, and a height of 5'5, she was more beautiful than most average girls.

Ginny flipped her long hair so it rested on her back.

_We have now reached Hogwarts, please exit your compartments and take everything with you. _

Hearing the announcement that they had arrived at Hogwarts, she quickly picked up her luggage and walked outside. 

Being welcome by the crisp, summer air, she sighed in relief. 

This year at Hogwarts would be very interesting.


	3. Chapter Three

Rowiez A/N: weeee.. Thanks for the reviews people =D We appreciate it!  

**Disclaimer: Obviously, Harry Potter and the other characters DO NOT belong to me (Rowiez) or Ako_Kanmu.  If we were filthy rich then why would we spend our time writing weird horny little fanfics? XD**

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Panty Passion- By Ako_Kanmu & Rowiez**

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Chapter 3**

Whispers were everywhere, and strange looks were sent his way as Draco stepped out of the Hogwart's Express.  

It was his eighth year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry but this year it wasn't to learn. Instead of learning, he was to clean other people's messes!  Since his father's death, Draco's family had been running short on money -- though Draco didn't want to admit this.   Draco insisted on being 'different' this year and attempted to start a new fad, style, craze, whatever you'd like to call it.  Unlike the other years he decided not slick his hair back, but instead wears it messy and loosely like the almighty Harry Potter.  Speaking of Harry Potter, Draco took a permanent marker this summer and drew a 'lightning bolt scar' onto his forehead in desire to gain the same kind of fame Harry has.  Unfortunately, the scar ended up looking very different from his intentions.  Some people thought it looked more like a deformed penis.

Draco was sure something was wrong, so he decided to walk close to a group of second years hoping to over hear a bit of their conversation.

"- I heard that Filch had sex with him so that he would be the custodian - "a second year Ravenclaw said as he picked his nose greedily.

" - yeah, Draco Malfoy as a janitor! - "squeaked the Ravenclaw's little brother.

"- I heard he has herpes, whatever that is... -" a Gryffindor by the name of Scotty said.

"- Well at least he doesn't have those two goons with him anymore - "a pig nosed girl laughed and ended up snorting out boogers out of her nose.

" - I heard he married Snape... and he's only coming back to Hogwarts so they can make babies! - " The younger sister of Cho Chang said as she swung her hair back and caused the person behind her to be slapped across the face with a wad of black hair.

" - My brother told me that his father's ghost raped him, that's why he's so insane now -" said Colin Creevey's younger brother Dennis.

"Excuse me?  What did you say?" questioned Draco, knowing that the little Gryffindor was weak under his presence. He put his strong hand onto his shoulder and squeezed it, making Dennis make a mouse like sound. Dennis turned pale.

"I-I-I j-just w-w-wanted to t-tell e-e-everyone t-t-hat I s-sorted out your n-new b-b-broom c-closet fo-for you," Dennis stuttered. Draco snorted as he let stopped squeezing his shoulder but kept his hand there.

"That's more like it Creevey, now go reserve a carriage for me." Draco glared at him causing Dennis to feel a leak come out of him. Draco let go of his shoulder and pushed him towards the direction of the carriages.

"Alright Malfoy." Dennis began to back away from Draco.

Draco coughed and cocked his eyebrow. 

"Oh, I mean Dra..Drakey..." he said while running away.

Draco smirked.  Ever since his sixth year, Draco has enjoyed using Dennis as a slave. He would order him around to do some 'tasks' and other sort of things.  He also made it seem like Dennis was gay, by the way he ordered him to act.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A moment later, Draco noticed that all of the carriages had gone except for one. He took a firecracker that he had gotten from a muggle store, out of his pocket. Draco angrily threw it onto the ground making it seem like he was "exploding in anger."

"Damn Creevey, I'll show him!" Draco mumbled incoherently. He tried to scream out in anger… but it only came out as a demented moan.

He walked towards the last carriage, and noticed a flash of flaming red hair.  Obviously a Weasley.  It was none other then the baby of the family --- Virginia. 

Draco coughed loudly, trying to gain the girl's attention.  Although he was coughing loudly -- and for a long period of time -- the Weasel still didn't seem to notice he was there!  She ignored him and was still staring into space. He coughed more and more... unaware that the carriage had already started moving. He began to choke from the over coughing.

"WAIT! WAIT FOR ME DAMMIT!" Draco called out as he tried to calm down his chokes.

Still, the carriage kept on moving, careless that Draco was running as fast as he could to catch up.  About a fifth of the way, the carriage finally slowed down and Draco was given the chance to jump on.

"Phew," Draco sighed, "the last ten years of doing rhythmic gymnastics has sure paid off."

"Umm, excuse me?" Ginny said while trying to hold in a giggle. 

"SO NOW YOU KNOW I'M HERE?!  AFTER ALL THAT TIME I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION? WHY I --"  Draco yelled in the middle of huffs and puffs.

"Oh, well it seemed like you were dying from all that coughing and hacking....So it never really occurred to me that I should err ... give a damn?" said Ginny innocently as she batted her eyelashes.

"Well it should!  Do you know who I am?" Draco brushed the dust off himself; after all he did fall many times while trying to chase the carriage.

"Yes... for the last.... what? Seven years? You called my family poor muggle lovers, made fun of our red hair, insulted my brother's friends, circulated rumors about -- Hey wait!  I'm surprised you haven't said a single insult yet!" Ginny's mouth seemed to drop open in surprise.

"Well, I've got a lot on my mind right now so I'd suggest you shut up." Draco sat down angrily.

"Wow, touchy are we?" Ginny smirked.  She was really looking forward to having quite an amusing year with Malfoy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Silence seemed to overwhelm the remainder of the trip, but the silence was soon broken when Ginny noticed Draco looking through a large photo album.

"WHAT'S THAT!" Ginny made a grab at the album but Draco moved, causing her to fall on her face.

Draco, startled, hit his head on the top of the carriage and closed the album, not wanting Ginny's prying eyes to see its contents. 

"Nothing!" He shoved it away from her.

"C'mon Malfoy, show me!" Ginny began jumping up and down, pouting.

"It's none of your bloody business!" Draco slapped Ginny's hand away as she tried to reach it.

"Ooooh!  Must be something important if you really don't want to show me!" Ginny couldn't help but giggle at the thought of Draco Malfoy looking at porn.

"Yes it's important, but I also couldn't let a filthy muggle lover like you touch it!" Draco held it close to him, as if it would explode if Ginny touched it.

"Well if I didn't touch it...THEN would you let me see it?" Ginny pleaded with her puppy dog eyes.

"Does it make a difference?" Draco just rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I knew it!  Its porn isn't it?  Hah! couldn't get a good enough lay I see, so Draco Malfoy had to resort to Porn!  That's quite sad...and I wouldn't be surprised if it was Play Men magazine either.  Oh god. wait!  You are gay right?  I knew it!  I always thought you and Harry Potter would make a bloody cute couple --"

"NO I'M NOT GAY!"  Draco scowled, "WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE LOOKING AT PORN ANYWAY?  I'M BLOODY HANDSOME!"

At Draco's sudden outburst he dropped the photo album onto the ground, giving Ginny the perfect chance to grab it.

Ginny opened up the photo album, curious of what it contained.  Surprisingly, the first picture her eyes met with was a completely dreadful sight.  Utterly atrocious.  None other then ...

Melinda Flint.

.....Sunbathing?

NAKED.

"Oh my god!" Ginny gasped. She began making vulgar vomiting noises.

Draco grabbed the album away from her as the carriage came to a stop.  Stomping away from the carriage Draco made his exit without looking back.

Ginny felt bad (and well, disturbed at the same time) since she knew she shouldn't had done that.  

"WAIT! MALFOY!" Ginny called out.

Draco smirked and turned around, 'Yes...the little Weasley apologizing IS quite interesting..'

Oh dear!  Ginny knew she was supposed to apologize (being the good girl that she was).  She didn't mean to say what she said next.  But it just sort.. of.. came out that way.  She was a really nice girl if you really got to know her, really! 

"So Draco, heard you got a little something something with Filch.  Have fun cleaning my room now!  Oh ....and rhythmic gymnastics eh?"

Draco's smirk faded, leaving a scowl on his face as he marched off into Hogwarts.  If his face stayed like that longer, It may even be permanent.

This year will be very far from exciting for Draco Malfoy.  He knew it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Please be nice and Review!  You'll make me a very happy girl ;)**

**-Rowiez**

**Ako Kanmu –eww that was strange of me… WELL ITS FINALLY WINTER BREAK AND I CAN WRITE THIS FANFIC.**


	4. Chapter Four

**Ako Kanmu: long time no see? Well school has been crazy¡K Here is the next chapter.**

**_-_-_-_**

**Chapter Four**

The sorting ceremony was occurring at the Great Hall. Draco, never really liking the ceremony, decided to skip out on it and make something sweet for Melinda. He went to the kitchen and simply kicked out all the house elves.

Draco scratched the back of his head, something Malfoys typically DID NOT do. He didn't know what happened to him over the summer but he seemed to have forgotten Melinda's favorite color. He remembered having a conversation with her. They were having a conversation about how Melinda liked Jell-O cake. She had told him how Jell-O came in various flavors and colors. He simply did not remember he favorite flavor. In front of him were several packages of Jell-O. 

"ARGHOOOO" was the frustrated sound coming from Draco as he hit his head against the wall forcibly. 

Suddenly, he came up with an idea. 

"I'll mix them all together!" Draco yelled out happily and began cutting up the packages and pouring them into one big bowl. 

He starred at the back of a Jell-O box and glared at the steps. 

"WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HOT WATER FROM!?!?" Draco threw the Jell-O box to the floor and began stomping on it. 

"I suppose cold water will do just the same," Draco stated and began pouring freezing cold water into the bowl. 

Several minutes later, the bowl of "Jell-O" looked rather sickening. It was sticky and was an unpleasant olive green. 

Draco looked at it and wondered why Melinda would like such an ugly treat.

"Melinda must have hit her head and force fed as a child," Draco said as he remembered that she liked JELLO cakes, "I remember seeing the house elves baking cakes in an oven!" 

Draco quickly places the large metal bowl into the oven and turned it to 300 degrees Celsius.

A minute later, he opened the oven and starred at the Jell-O.

It looked the same. He shoved it back in and decided to look at the pictures of Melinda sunbathing once again. After an hour of gazing at pictures of Melinda, Draco noticed a slight burning aroma in the air. In a few minutes of thinking, he realized that it was coming from the cake.

"OH MY POOR JELL-O CAKE!" Draco rushed over to the oven and pulled out the cake and placed it onto a counter. Unfortunately, he forgot to wear his oven mitt.

"GAH! MY DELICATE HANDS!" Draco began turned on the tap, thinking that cold water would cool his hands down.

Instead of turning on the cold water tap, he turned on the hot water tap.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" was heard throughout the Hogwarts castle.

Several hours later, after a quick visit to Madame Pomfrey, Draco began wrapping his burnt, sticky, jell-o cake in plastic wrap. It would be easy¡K except his hands were wrapped in bandages.

After many minutes of moaning and struggling, Draco gave up and put the Jell-o cake in a cardboard box.

He approached the owlery and pets his owl, Pookie-Poo.

"Ohh, Pookie-Poo, your feathers are so beautiful today¡K YES THEY ARE! YES THEY ARE?!?! WHO'S A GOOD OWL!!?!?!? WHO'S THE BEST-," Draco yelled out in pain as Pookie-Poo annoyingly decided to peck at Draco's already damaged hands in a violent manner.

**__**

**_"STUPID BIRD,"_** Draco threw the bird out the window. Right before it was about to touch the ground, it began to fly in the direction of Melinda's house.

-_-------_-

Ginny woke up the next morning in her comfortable head girl bed. 

She gave her body a nice, long stretch.

"I think I'll wear a thong today," Ginny thought out loud and began searching her underwear drawer for her pink, frilly thong.

"With so many thongs, I don't know how to find any of them," 

Moaning in frustration, Ginny accidentally dropped her favorite pink, frilly thong onto the floor and kicked it under the bed. Not realizing she did this, she continued to search for her thong. 

After thirty minutes of moaning and groaning, she finally stopped searching.

"I guess I'll have to settle for my brown, frilly thong," Ginny moaned in disgust at her brown thong as she quickly gathered her clothes so she could take a long soak in her Head Girl bathtub. 

She turned on the taps of the bathtub and watched as bubbles began to form beneath the surface of the rushing waters.

She began taking off her clothes quickly and then dunked herself into the bubbles.

Ginny lied there in the hot, soothing water but then realized that the water smelled peculiar. She looked at the bubble bath bottle and realized that it was a skunk scent.

"Crap!" She bellowed out and hastily got out of her bath.

But it was already too late_¡K She smelt like a kid who lived in a garbage dump. _

Ginny found herself having a mile of space between herself and the people around her. She sniffed her armpits. While shuddering in complete repulsion she yelled at the people who were not around her.

"GET BACK OVER HERE! I DON'T SMELL THAT BAD!" Ginny groaned as people only moved farther away from her.

"Who the hell put skunk bubble bath in my Head Girl washroom!?" In dire frustration, she stabbed the piece of bread in front of her, only to get stinky peanut butter spurted into her eye.

She screamed as the chunky peanut butter disabled her from opening her right eye.

Shrieking again for the hundredth time that day, she stomped over to the hospital wing where she was cursed with thousands of stinging eye drops.

**--_---**

**AkoKanmu** : that was the ugliest thing that I had ever written in my entire life o_o


	5. Chapter 5

****

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: These characters DO NOT belong to us. Well...with the exception of Melinda Flint ;D...and Jonnah Bloom...and other minor characters.

Rowiez A/N: Happy reading XD

~*~*~*~*~

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and she had no worries what so ever. Melinda Flint _Longbottom_ was truly happy for the first time in her life. 

She was married to whom she thought was the most delectable man alive (who was also a rabid beast in bed) and had the best job too.

After the couple's honeymoon, they had decided to live as muggles to get away from their struggles in the Wizardry World. They moved to a tiny magenta colored flat in London and both got jobs as drug testers. Who knew that people got paid to do such easy things? Unfortunately, drug testers take big risks and she had to learn this the hard way. Having yourself sound manlier than your husband isn't such a bad side effect right?

Melinda heard a tapping at her window and noticed an owl carrying a large cardboard box. (Although she was cut off from the Wizardry world, she decided to continue receiving owls) It was brown with what looked like pink blotches of paint. This only made her think of one person...

  
Melinda trembled with an unexplainable alarm, 'Oh gods, please don't be...'

The_ 'Signed Draco-Bloody-Sexy-Malfoy' _scrawled almost illegibly on the boxconfirmed her nightmare.

"Damnit Malfoy, leave me alone!" groaned Melinda. She never really knew why she loathed Draco Malfoy, but ever since he started stalking her she didn't really give a damn if he was the so-called sexiest man at Hogwarts. And anyway, Melinda wasn't into _those kinds of guys. _She really loved being the dominant one.

Melinda carefully opened the parcel and saw mounds of bubble wrap and newspaper poorly taped together. "Must be something very fragile if it needs this much support," Melinda thought with strange possibilities popping into her head.

"HONEY BUNNY!" a voice -which sounded VERY eager and excited- called from the other room, "C'mon honey, I'm all tied up and ready!"

  
"Hold on Neville, just wait a minute or two. I heard if you wait longer you'll last longer!"

  
As she came close to the last layer, she noticed a sticky green liquid with remnants of a black crust gushing out. It smelled foully of something that had been cooked too long. 

  
She took a very soaking note out of the liquid:

__

Dearest Melinda,

I know how much you love the Muggle dessert JELL-O, so I decided to bake you a loaf. I hope it reminds you of myself and how much I love you. My dear Melinda, did you know that I have X rated dreams about you each night? I dream about every curve of your body and how you smell of oysters. I can still remember the essence of your breath. Ahh, the crisp scent of crushed ginger and birth control pills. I remember how your hair dye would never stay in your hair because of the natural oils -- Oh, I wish that every whiff of air I took contained the fragrance of your oily, oily hair. As you may know, I am here at Hogwarts for a custodial job. I wanted to let you know that I have never forgotten about you. Every candy wrapper I throw out reminds me of you, every used condom I find in the dormitories will remind me of you and every single hairball will remind me of you. I will always remember the time when I found that thong of yours in that janitorial closet after I found Longbottom shagging you. I kept that thong, although it is brown and soil, beside my heart. Oh, I wish I could clean every single toilet you sat on. Just remember that every time I jack off, you will be roaming around in my head. You make me hard.

-Draco

Melinda groaned and threw the letter into the fireplace. 

He never stops trying does he?

"I'm coming Neville! I hope your ready for the biggest orgasm you've ever had!" Melinda squealed so loud that their neighbors could possibly hear. She grabbed her whip, pulled off her knickers and jumped on to the squeaky bed.

  
*~*~*~*~*

Ginny Weasley was stomping off to Potions, shouting at every person that laid eyes on her. She hated the patch on her eye since she got peanut butter in her eye. It made her look like a bloody Pirate! 

  
  
She took a seat next to Colin Creevey as their professor, who surprisingly wasn't Snape, came into the room.

  
"Hi, I'm Ms. Jonnah Bloom, your substitute Potions professor for today! You may know me as your new Muggle Studies professor. I will be filling in for Professor Snape because he is APPARENTLY in no shape to teach and is most probably gay!" Said a woman with black shoulder length hair.

  
The class began to laugh and started whispering things to each other on her last comment.

"SHUT UP!" Ms. Bloom bellowed. She took out a puppet, which looked like a House Elf and began to rip it into pieces with her bare hands. She threw it onto the ground and started stomping on it until it was as flat as a sheet of paper. "THIS WILL BE YOU IF YOU CONTINUE TO TALK!" 

The class shut up and stared at her with fearful faces. "Now, where was I? Oh yes, for today's class I will want you to write a one-page essay on a Muggle drug. I know it's not much to do with Potions, but I'm a bloody Muggle Studies professor and not a damn oily Potions wanker!"

  
  
Ginny decided to choose Sildenafil Citrate, also known as Viagra for her project, _whatever that was. _ As she looked at the label she smiled to herself. 

__

VIAGRA is a prescription drug that works by increasing blood flow to the penis. It is not a hormone or an aphrodisiac. Once you take it, VIAGRA can work in very quickie. VIAGRA works for 4 hours and can be taken often.

"This will surely be fun," Ginny giggled.

"Yoo-hoo, Colin dear?" Ginny cooed as she innocently batted her lashes, "Want to do me a favor?" 

"Sure thing Ginny! Anything for you!" Colin retorted. Ginny smiled at the thought of how easy it was for her to manipulate men.

"Well this medication I'm researching on asks someone to eat it, well uh to uh..." Ginny bit her lip, "for sneezing? And yeah I'm sure I heard you sneeze earlier so if your willing to help --"  


  
Colin quickly grabbed the pill out of her hand and swallowed it. "I bet it's working already Ginny!" 

"Yes... It is working already. It sure is..." Ginny couldn't help but let out a little giggle as she saw the sudden bulk in his pants.

*~*~*~*~*  
  
**Rowiez A/N:** aha...ew..   
  
**READ AND REVIEW X)**


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